Part of becoming a more “enlightened male” is looking inward to be more aware of my strengths and my weaknesses. I will open myself up a bit to let you know what I mean.
Case in point.
I judge. I judge alot. I know it. I admit it. Don’t they say that the first step to recovery is admitting one has a problem? Well, I think this is a problem for me and it is my intention to work on it.
I get peeved by other people’s actions. I don’t know if it comes from envy, dislike or something deeper. It irked me to read recently about a billionaire and his wife who are building a 100,000 square foot home because their 26,000 square foot home is too small. In my head I am thinking, “there are millions of people out in the world today who are without jobs, who can hardly afford to pay their mortgages, who may have been foreclosed on, who have life-threatening illnesses…how dare these wealthy people complain that their already super-sized mansion be considered too small and are now building what could only be described as a community centre?”
How about those people that have a complete disrespect for the rules of the road who also happen to drive very expensive cars. In my mind I am thinking, “what do they care? They are more important in the world because they have more. So, they get to do what they want at the expense of others”. I know, I know…to you it probably sounds nuts.
Or, how many more stories do I need to hear about these professional athletes who get these obscene multi-million dollar contracts? For what? To play hockey? To play baseball? These guys are raking in huge coin for really doing nothing that contributes to the betterment of society? Why don’t our cancer researchers get treated in the same way as these athletes? Am I judging these athletes for their fortunes or am I judging society for allowing such craziness to happen in the first place?
These are only a few examples of how I judge. I judge people who have more “things” than I do…I judge people who have more monetary wealth than I do…I judge people who are smarter than me…I judge people who act or behave a certain way that is counter to what I believe is the more appropriate way to act or behave.
I judge everything.
It’s a nasty habit and fault that finds its way into all aspects of my life. I have had conversations about this with my therapist when I was seeing her but I never really fully addressed it with her (maybe its time for another round of sessions?).
The intellectual and rational side of my brain says, “what business is it of yours how other people live their lives?” We live in a relatively free society, unencumbered by rules and regulations that prevent us from making our own choices. I know this. If someone wants to do something that I think is ridiculous, why should I really care and why should it affect me?
Maybe I am mistaking the terminology. Maybe I “covet” what other people have. Or maybe its “envy”.
Or maybe I am overthinking this whole thing…big time. I have a tendency to over-analyze things. Especially recently as I have been seeking new employment. I obsess on every word in every email or voice mail message left and try to read into it…trying to interpret the meaning of the words. Does this mean they like me…don’t like me? Does this mean that I might have a shot at tne job? I sometimes work myself into a tizzy over it.
I know…stupid and unnecessary…words often spoken to me by my wife…my voice of reason.
The fact is, I really shouldn’t give a shit about actions taken by others. Live and let live. However, I think my little judging problem goes beyond just me. Especially these days when we have become a society of the “haves” and the “have-nots”. There seems to be a disappearance of the “kinda have’s”. So the “have-nots” observe the actions of the “haves” who seem to be somewhat oblivious to the world of struggle that goes around them each and every day. How can a “have-not” be affected on some level by the actions of their “have” counterpart?
This disparity might be a part of the whole judging problem.
But when I clear my head of all this nonsense and return inward, I remind myself of everything that I have around me. I remind myself of my health, my freedom, the love I have inside me for my wife, children, close friends and family. Feelings of gratitude and appreciation seem to rise from within to combat the silliness of judging.
It is my goal to empty my brain of all thoughts of judging. I know that judging does not serve me. It has no necessary purpose or role in my life. All it really does is bring out negativity; towards others and about myself. Wasted mental energy.
Life is too short to fill my thoughts with this kind of energy. All I need to do is look outside and take in the beauty of life.
Maybe I don’t need to see my therapist afterall. That is why I love blogging…it’s cathartic!